Since April 9, I have improved every day. I knew I was sleep-deprived. The liver surgery still hurts, and it does contribute to my not getting enough sleep. But the most significant contributor is Sophie and worry.
Sophie was just being herself. She hates to use the litter box inside. She loves to hunt outside. She is nocturnal. She hates being outside in the rain, cold, or snow. She thinks nothing wrong with asking to be let in or out on her schedule, day or night.
Rita is a sound sleeper. My hunter/gatherer brain hears everything in my house. I’m the first to wake when Sophie meows to ask a human to manage the door to her wishes. Hence, I was woken way too much in the past 5 days.
I do not want Rita awake in the evening. When she sleeps, my caregiving tasks are on hold. That is when I get to do what I want to do: read, write, email, pay bills, plan projects, research places we can move to when I can’t manage Rita alone, or with day help. I can only do quiet things – not vacuum the house, not watch TV, play music, or tasks that would wake her.
Quality sleep is as important to those with Alzheimer’s as it is to those recovering from surgery. If she is awake, I don’t sleep. A caregiver for a loved one never puts their needs first.
Rita was significantly impacted by my being gone for 7 days. She saw me on Day 2 and not again until Day 7. She forgot where I was. She forgot I had surgery. She forgets I have cancer, until something reminds her. Then she processes that and worries like it was the first time she heard it. She would worry about my dying, leaving her alone to deal with life without me. Then she would forget it.
By the time I got home, she was a basket case. When I got out of the cab and hugged her I saw her change from a worried, angry, pained woman to a woman relieved that her loved one was still alive and here to take care of her. She felt better, safer, and cringed to me like an infant to its mother.
She can not remember that I have an 7” incision up my belly. Every time she hugs me, I protect my incision like a hockey goalie does his net.
I came home to an environment that is not the best for sleeping. And, I also impacted my ability to sleep. The only time I could write these entries is when I am alone (hospital) or when Rita was asleep. There is no way I want her to read these entries. Why remind her of the possibility of her loosing me? It only hurts to think about that. She is incapable of finding my blog online unless I helped her.
She would be livid if she knew I shared her dementia pains with others online. When I wrote about myself, my cancer, that is my choice. When I, in the process, happened to write about how it impacts Rita, it shares information about Rita she does not want shared.
My cancer story falls into the same category for me as Alzheimer’s does for Rita. I was not ready for my story to be shared with the world. Blogs accessible online are public. I can make them private. I can password-protect pages and entries. I can make content available to only my immediate family, other only to friends, but it takes work and time.
When I went looking for a way to give one child information and not have to repeat the same information to the second child’s request, a web blog fit that need. But to keep that content limited to the audience I wanted, it took too much work. I thought the Google Docs sharing feature would work better. But it didn’t. I can’t control people who had the link from giving it to someone else – their spouse, child, friends, and so on.
As time went on, the number of people who could access my content grew. And I didn’t know or control it. It was pointed out to me by an approved reader that I wrote something that may offend an unapproved reader. But since I can’t stop that unapproved reader from getting the link from someone else, I had to realize that my content was basically public. That is why I removed access to my shared Google docs for everyone.
I decide I needed to do two things: control access better, and be more sensitive about what I write.
This is why I’m using my blog and the WordPress features to create content that I can control better. But let’s get real here. If I get exclusive access to content online, I can always capture content and pass it on. Screen capture and send. For this reason, I will be very careful that I don’t write something that will hurt anyone. Therefore, I must be more careful of what I write.
I may not write how I feel about the doctor who shot from his hip because he is too busy to look up the facts, or about that person who offers help, at any time, says he is too busy to respond when I ask.
The content in this blog will be sanitized.
Using WordPress and being more careful takes me extra time. Often sleeping time. So I will also be posting less frequently.
Sorry kids, I need my sleep more than you need to know immediately how am I doing.
You can always ask – text, email, or call. But I may not respond quickly.
I need to close now and get back to sleep.